Saturday Alone again

Yes, it seems things don't seen all that great as far as , well having things around. I'm alone at 11pm pissed cuz I have no job, because the place sucked, and I quit, and now I'm like looking for another one, and I guess I can't look for the perfect job, and just "grin-and-bear-it". I want to persue the arts but I'm in a type of recovery, that is well getting better I guess. It fucking better get better, I can't take much more BS.

I quit my job today

What a day. After coming back from lunch. I was told by a co-worker, that there was food in the other building. I got upset. Then I was told I had to attend a training sminar, whether I liked it or not, if I didn't go I'd be fired. So I left, after trying to be fed the guil trip. My friend Mike says, I could have gone on unemployment if they fired me. That clearly didn't happen. So I sit here sick to my stomach... I'm just disgusted. I hate how people seem to think they can just be arrogant, and get away with it. KI'm ill thinking of going back to the place..I feel like no one belives me. I hate that feeling. It used to drive me to all kinds of self-destructive behaviors. I try and change me, because I can't change the world, but the world kinda sucks. I wish I could just say FUCK the world, but I'd only get bitter. andIi'm trying to get better. Actually I am geting better. If I knew I'd have so much turbulence getting sober, I'm not sure if I'd have done it. Maybe I would..who knows. hopefully I cansleep tonight. and maybe get some energy to get another job tomorrow. I'vw gotten by in the past. I need to keep that in mind. I blogged three days in a row too...

progress

ok I said, I'd do it. get more consistent with blogging that is. So today I went into work. One co-worker decided he'd get in early and "get the drivers out " early. It was a great idea. Except for he forgot one daily tape run. I didn't over-react like usual. The boss was like."You guys are still here". Like all perfectionistic. Half of the reason this co-worker is like this, is because the boss enables his behavior. This irks me to no end. The guy messes up, and the boss says.."Oh that ****, " but never does anything about it. he might reprimand him, but never writes him up, or fires him. I've said in the past..""how long is this guy's rope?" It seems to fall on deaf ears. So I did my 7 stops. Very successfully. The afternoon, wasn't so delightful. I had a workorder, which was changed without me knowing about it. A new file was added to it, I was kinda being told that it was new, I just kinda ignored it. I said"I'm all confirmed and loaded" actually I hadn't confirmed. I noticed a problem when I arrived at my first stop. I couldn't figure it out. I tried to use my cell phone to call. I couldn't find it. The client wasn't deepl affected. I apologized and said I'd get it there in the A.M. Then I had to pick up "240" boxes. Which there was no way I was getting that many done. I decided on 100 or more. It ended up being 80, due to my problems of having to go back into the first client and seacrhing for my cell phone. Which turns out, was in my car. I paid my car payment. Twenty more to go. I can't wait 'till it's done. I feel like I'm working for just the car. I never seem to have money to burn. Yet I burn it anyways. I'm just learning how to get a hold on my finances. No one taught me. I feel like a big baby sometimes. A mental midget.
So I told the bass player I've been working with, that I'm not interested in doing the original end of the band. I'm just not happy with the limited musical vocabulary they have. It's all guess work sometimes, and some of it doesn't make musical sense. At least to me. Back to Bummville.

more consistency

today , I had time to go through some of my finances. I actually am trying to keep track of my habits. So in trying to review May. I noticed that I hadn't posted here, or on myspace. I did write in my morning journal that day. It seems there have been gaps, in my blogging. I guess I can't expect perfection, only progress. I'm going to try and blog more on a daily basis.
It was nice not to have to do laundry today, I forced myself to do it yesterday. Today was Mother's Day. It's a rather stressful time for me. I have love/hate issues with my Mom. Always have. I live about 40 miles away, and that's good sometimes. I don't have the money, nor did I have the emotional motivation, to try and find her. What I mean by this, is that it seems that every year, she's gone somewhere. She makes plans because I guess she thinks I won't bother. So in the past , I'd drive upstate, and not know where she is until she's done going wherever she goes. Out to eat, my Grandmother's, my sisters'. So rather than waste gas, I'd try and call. It's just that I've tried to call in the past week or so, and her phone hasn't been working. So I figured, why bother? I sent an e-card. I guess I at least owe her that. Today I was checking out, a friends myspace site. He has this one person on it, that I am totally enamoured with. She's semi-famous. I sent her a friend request. She aproved it. I commented on one of her pictures. I actually made it my wall paper because it's perfect for it. I'm sitting here with anxiety. I work for a corporate company, and all of the higher-ups will be at the site. Hopefully, I'll be out on the road. Or it could be my chance to shine? well I'm up too late. 8am I have to be there. Well , I guess I don't have to be there. I'll choose to go in, because i choose to keep money coming in.