Sleepless in Cohoes

it's 7:04 am. I'm sitting here sipping a hot cup of fresh brewed coffee. I can't sleep. I imagine that once the caffeine sets in, I will be alert but tired. In a perfect world, I would blog regularly like I once did. I have not. I started to read a friend's blog, and I thought of starting one. Then I remembered that I actually have one that's been neglected. THIS one. So here I am again. I cannot sleep for the life of me. I suppose that if I went into my bed, I could. Something is keeping me up. I think it has to do with some unfinished tasks. Usually, I try and get things done in the morning. It's just that I don't wake up when I plan to. I shoot for 9 and it ends up being 11. Then I grump around most of the day, and I accomplish a little. It's never what I intend to though. I think I could be depressed. Why else would someone not get out of bed bright-eyed and bushy-tailed like normal people? I have a lot on my mind.
It's Sunday morning. Other people are just waking, or still sleeping. I'm confused. I'm unemployed. At first it was no fault of my own, and now it sort of is. I don't wish to look at it. Yet the avoidance of it, causes more problems. I'm in debt. I thought I could be an entrepreneur-type. Start my own business, be my own boss. Then I read this quote on facebook..."The entrepreneurial arena is no place for the timid, nervous, or easily worried to come and play. - Dan Kennedy" and it stopped me in my tracks. When I'm really honest about my past, it's full of timid, nervous, and easily worried. So the alternative to that would be, to get a job. A steady paycheck. I'm so disgusted at the past jobs that I've had, that I don't think I can put up with the politics of that. So then a conflict ensues. It's a crisis.
Let's add to this, that on Thanksgiving, the day that we're supposed to give thanks, and be with family, there was a fight at the table. The fight was over what I believe are two things....MONEY and table protocol. I didn't want to make the trek upstate, so I stalled. It bothered me why I might stall, so I meditated on it. I tried to share the findings at the table. I was told that my Dad prefers peace and quiet. I was left sitting by myself. I had a horrible feeling inside. Like this was just like the past, I'm the odd-man out again. I stand up for myself, and I'm made to feel guilty. I hate that feeling. SO
I left after some heated discussion. Then I realized, I just left a crazy Father's House. I'm driving a car that's in his name. I only have the car, because he put his neck and credit on the line. To help me. Because I drove like a maniac and caused an accident. This happened a few months ago. I mean what else could I do? I had no money, my only job was driving. With no car, no money, no nothing. I was so disgusted with myself for my position in life. To have to rely on someone like that, to not pay my own bills, to not get a job, etc. I pretty much vowed to never get into this position again, and yet I said this before too, and yet I got into it. AGAIN! My problem is, how do I get out?
I looked at California tonight on the web. It somehow started with my browsing videos I think it was. Somehow I came across a link to the LA Times. California has been a dream of mine, for quite sometime. I started with Lancaster, via the craigslist music forum. I wanted to see what the musician scene looked like. It didn't look as good as I thought. Perhaps Vance was right? Maybe it's not all it's cracked up to be. or maybe it's just craigslist? or me? So I scouted out nearby locations. Kinda where Vance is. Then I looked up entertainment business and got some great links. still after all of this typing, though it's been helpful, I still can't sleep