Crisis

I believe the proper term for what I am currently experiencing, is crisis. I do not say this out of lack of experience. I had been in one a few years ago. I was in counseling and I came across a book in a book store called..."Welcome to Your Crisis". I thought, wow, what a great book to have. I could finally put a name to what was happening. I certainly didn't want to be in one. Let me briefly describe, rent was overdue(still is) and climbing. Power was probably shut off or was about to be. I owed my Father some money, plus I had go into an accident, and didn't have a car. The economy was going into th toilet and almost everything I did, were luxury items to the marketplace. I was probably struggling with alcoholism as well. I always wanted to be a musician/writer and I wasn't doing much of that either. So here I am again, the only thing that is different is that I'm not drinking/smoking and trying to remain healthy. I certainly don't need a health crisis on top of all of it.

Man of Less Hats

Well, when I changed the name of this blog to "Man of Many Hats", I had more hats on. I lost a few over the last couple of weeks. One was a band that I had been playing with for about 4 years called "The Fizziks". I was a singer/guitarist, and now the band is breaking up. The last show was scheduled for yesterday, but we received a call prior that informed us we were being cancelled citing slow business. Being a cover band not under contracts, shows getting cancelled is part of the game. you win some, you lose some. Well I don't mind losing some now and then, as long as winning some balances it out. I was counting on the money. I was counting on saying goodbye the right way, going out in style. That did not happen. One hat can be taken off. The other hat was I was preparing to play Paul in a KISS tribute band. After rehearsing, playing open mics, doing video promos, I was let go from the band citing "I wouldn't be ready by Jan 9th." I replaced by a more experienced Paul. One more hat off. So now I sit in fear, of what I will do for money, seeing as those hats brought in money. It's a constant battle to build up my self-esteem to know that I am talented enough to move on, and rebuild. I just don't want to. I do need to.

Sleepless in Cohoes

it's 7:04 am. I'm sitting here sipping a hot cup of fresh brewed coffee. I can't sleep. I imagine that once the caffeine sets in, I will be alert but tired. In a perfect world, I would blog regularly like I once did. I have not. I started to read a friend's blog, and I thought of starting one. Then I remembered that I actually have one that's been neglected. THIS one. So here I am again. I cannot sleep for the life of me. I suppose that if I went into my bed, I could. Something is keeping me up. I think it has to do with some unfinished tasks. Usually, I try and get things done in the morning. It's just that I don't wake up when I plan to. I shoot for 9 and it ends up being 11. Then I grump around most of the day, and I accomplish a little. It's never what I intend to though. I think I could be depressed. Why else would someone not get out of bed bright-eyed and bushy-tailed like normal people? I have a lot on my mind.
It's Sunday morning. Other people are just waking, or still sleeping. I'm confused. I'm unemployed. At first it was no fault of my own, and now it sort of is. I don't wish to look at it. Yet the avoidance of it, causes more problems. I'm in debt. I thought I could be an entrepreneur-type. Start my own business, be my own boss. Then I read this quote on facebook..."The entrepreneurial arena is no place for the timid, nervous, or easily worried to come and play. - Dan Kennedy" and it stopped me in my tracks. When I'm really honest about my past, it's full of timid, nervous, and easily worried. So the alternative to that would be, to get a job. A steady paycheck. I'm so disgusted at the past jobs that I've had, that I don't think I can put up with the politics of that. So then a conflict ensues. It's a crisis.
Let's add to this, that on Thanksgiving, the day that we're supposed to give thanks, and be with family, there was a fight at the table. The fight was over what I believe are two things....MONEY and table protocol. I didn't want to make the trek upstate, so I stalled. It bothered me why I might stall, so I meditated on it. I tried to share the findings at the table. I was told that my Dad prefers peace and quiet. I was left sitting by myself. I had a horrible feeling inside. Like this was just like the past, I'm the odd-man out again. I stand up for myself, and I'm made to feel guilty. I hate that feeling. SO
I left after some heated discussion. Then I realized, I just left a crazy Father's House. I'm driving a car that's in his name. I only have the car, because he put his neck and credit on the line. To help me. Because I drove like a maniac and caused an accident. This happened a few months ago. I mean what else could I do? I had no money, my only job was driving. With no car, no money, no nothing. I was so disgusted with myself for my position in life. To have to rely on someone like that, to not pay my own bills, to not get a job, etc. I pretty much vowed to never get into this position again, and yet I said this before too, and yet I got into it. AGAIN! My problem is, how do I get out?
I looked at California tonight on the web. It somehow started with my browsing videos I think it was. Somehow I came across a link to the LA Times. California has been a dream of mine, for quite sometime. I started with Lancaster, via the craigslist music forum. I wanted to see what the musician scene looked like. It didn't look as good as I thought. Perhaps Vance was right? Maybe it's not all it's cracked up to be. or maybe it's just craigslist? or me? So I scouted out nearby locations. Kinda where Vance is. Then I looked up entertainment business and got some great links. still after all of this typing, though it's been helpful, I still can't sleep

Lethargy and Honesty

 

Well, I’m awake yet I feel like I could go back to sleep. I’m just a bit…blah. I even ate and thought that might help. It helped a little. I’m debating a nap. I’m not sure what the key is to energy. Seeing as I jump rope almost every day, I’m not smoking currently. I gave up drinking, I’m drinking juice. It puzzles me. I have a book I haven’t read yet on the subject. I made a to-do list, to clear the clutter I my head. When will the energy come?

  Perhaps I expect too much? does it come in increments? Maybe. I just brushed my teeth and poured a coffee. I feel a surging in my head on the top. It seems to have stopped. That was fast. I wondered if it was the caffeine?  Nope it’s back. I’m trying out this new program called Blog this…I’m typing in it right now.

The honesty part of this blog, is about me..looking at me. My behaviors if you will. One can’t grow, unless one sees the path he/she has been taking. Mine has been of anger, anxiety, and frustration. I am trying to not cast blame, and look inside. Only then change can happen

update

Well, I just read my last posting, and with everything being a process, things have progressed. I'll start with the band thing.
I play in a band, called The Fizziks. I have been with the members since 2005. We don't always get along, but who does? Somehow we've stuck together through break-ups and conflicts and we're still playing together. even though I'm skeptical about it, it has to mean something? There are times though, that I start thinking there's something better out there. My last post talked about an audition, for a great local area band. I couldn't disclose the name, because they have gigs booked. I heard back, and they said I was a decent singer, and looked like I was easy to work with, but I didn't fit. I kinda knew that, I figured I could make more money, and get better exposure. Not going to happen. Although I was disappointed , I'm sorta ok with it. It was rather humbling. Me thinking I was a great singer, and someone in the biz with lots of experience saying...I'm decent. Though it is quite the compliment too, because I used to suck.
So on with The Fizziks. We're not a terrible band, we're not really impressive either. We're.....good. to me sometimes good isn't good enough, but I tend to be hard on myself.
I last posted about a lesson ad. I did have some action finally. A woman has a daughter that wants lessons, and possibly a friend. I called and left a message. She hasn't returned mine yet. I still have a student once a week. It's really helped my guitar playing. I might expand to a teaching facility.
The bass playing thing, didn't pan out. I tried to get a hold of the bass guy, and he didn't call back. I wasn't going to play with no equipment. We've sort of stopped talking about it. People I know have a bad habit of not returning calls. (as I type this one call has been returned)

Mr. Inconsistent

yes, I had all good intentions of blogging regularly, but it turns out, I went on a short run, and then had a no-write spree. Oh well I know where I stand. Tuesday, I had a fun time auditioning for a great band. I was ok on vocals, I forgot a few words. I was told I might hear something on Monday. Here it is Tuesday and I've heard nothing still. It's anxiety producing to me, because this decision will either change my life for the better, or it'll stay the same old drab. I e-mailed the act, to see what is going on, I still have not heard anything.
In the lesson end of things, I've been putting an ad up every week, to try and get guitar students on Western Ave in Albany. Nothing yet after two ads. The lesson I have is going well.
I've been talking to a local artist about doing some bass playing. I haven't played bass in years, but the original call was to my friend Dan, and his wrist hurts. I sort of want to turn it down. It requires going to Saratoga. It seems like it might be a pain. I just have a bad feeling about it. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't even have a bass.
So rehearsal is usually on Wednesday with The Fizziks, yet it was pushed to Friday. So Wednesday, I think I just chilled at home. I was up late on the computer, and didn't get up for work on time. I was told to get there on time, or my route would be gone. I got some business cards from the papers I deliver, and handed them out to new posssible clients. I felt productive.
I was having online wars with people on the Facebook site, and we made up today. Oh yeah, on Thursday, I got free bagels, and books. I was interested in comedy for a while, so I found some books on that. I found a book on being a director on a board. I thought that might come in handy.
We did rehearsal on Friday, and things went ok. Everyone wanted to cut out early. I stayed and talked with Vince for a bit, and played with the dog. I went to Barnes and Noble and bought life-changing books.
I started going back to meetings at the Hospital, and I asked for help. I got it in a way that was kind of all towards me, but maybe I needed it. Complacency=come place your butt in the seat.
I sort of pissed off the landlords without meaning to. I didn't check my schedule, and thought I had a gig. I told them I'd have money by the weekend. UM nope. I apologized. I went to another meeting on Sunday. I was late, but shared. It was good. I made Monday "Marketing Monday" so this way I could get focuesd. The owner says "I think you've had enough training, just get out there". It was meant to mean something else. I know it.

Tuesday full of suprizes

Ok for one, I got a few calls in the morning. It was good because I've been wanting to get up early. So at 8:30 I was having coffee. I called my friend Dave back. We talked about doing animation. He's a great artist, and I'm an ok film maker. We talked about music.
I went out to my car, to clean my windows. I was visited by a National Grid person. I found out I owed $700 or so. I wasn't happy about it, seeing as I'm still paying off a loan for when it sky-rocketed out of control.
I then contacted my friend Dan, who was going South to Saugerties. I've had a friend's saxophones, along with a pedal board, that belonged to a friend. A friend who is now and has been in jail. The family is trying to raise money to get my friend out of jail. One Brother lives in Saugerties, so I gave the equipment to Dan to take to the Brother. I'll miss that pedal board. It had some good effects in it. I'd rather get my friend out of jail though.
I met Dan and his friend(and mine)Steve at Stewart's with the gear. I mentioned that I was auditioning for a band as a singer. I'm not used to just singing and I said I would feel naked without a guitar. He said once I do it, I'd love it.
I went back home and checked my bank balance. Turns out there was a check I deposited that was returned. It was a paycheck, from my part-time job as a delivery person. I had to call the place, and then call my bank twice. I got a call from a musician that is hiring me to do some bass tracks for a live recording in May. We talked for a bit. I talked to my friend Vince too for a bit. I initially thought it was his check that bounced. NOPE So this week I get two checks. I hope these are good.
I went on Facebook and posted something about me batting 1000 with all that was happening. I mentioned sales. My friend(who I'm not so sure is my friend sometimes) started saying how I need to get a real job. He made it sound like I was asking for people to feel sorry for me. That is not the case at all. He went on and on with these long winded posts, and people were like "huh?" One person asked why I was friends with him. I think he's a wet blanket. He thinks he's being helpful to me. I deleted everything after an audition for a really good band. I can't say what band it is, due to them having dates booked. I sang great, I flubbed some words though. I hope it doesn't count against me too much. I showed up on time, I had good attitude, I just knew songs that the band didn't. I screwed up every 2nd verse. AHHH I'll know on Monday what the deal is. Maybe they'll ask me back for a second thing? who knows.